Crazy Doug's Bargain Retrofits

"Chuck is going to come off of his axis," I said, trying not to enjoy the thought. "You said you already spoke to Kelly?"

Doug nodded. "She asks only that we rename the place not after her."

"Put my parent's ship, the Lumpy Nickel, at the top of your list," I said. "And you only get one spoke. I already gave the other one to Curious."

"One spoke and four berths," Chuck said. "I figure two weeks on the lash-up so Submind can tie into the systems, then a slow tumble for two more weeks to aid rapid maturity. Maybe a two week shake down cruise to keep the columns even."

"I'm not kidding about Chuck," I said. "Ten chimp workers will not be easy to replace."

Doug grinned and said, "Chuck doesn't know how to speak chimp. They call him The Mass."

"Of course, he'll blame me," I said. "So I guess you don't have to worry too much."

"He thinks they are calling him Master."

"That's my joke," I said.

"Chimp is your native language."

"Probably. I'm not kidding about Chuck, Doug. He won't leave this one alone. He's as crazy about labor resources as you are about bargains."

Doug frowned at me for a minute. "I could give him a ship. I have three junkers worth fixing maybe. I'm going to experiment with design changes on existing hulls. He could have first pick."

"Maybe. Probably won't hurt anything. You might think about hiring out your crews. Chuck will have to deal with contractors sooner or later, and your sister almost has the treasury up to spin."

"Do you teach kids how to pick their noses too?" Doug asked.

"Sorry," I said, smiling. "I see a lot of weirdos from incoming ships, not to mention ice-busters and explosive females, and I really don't want Chuck haunting my office until I find him ten more environmental technicians to replace the ones I let get away."

Doug laughed and slapped my shoulder. "Don't you worry about it. By the time I'm done with Chuck, he'll believe it was his idea."

"Yeah?" I asked. "I guess it'll be entertaining either way."

Doug nodded.

"What are you going to call this Submind powered ship repair yard of yours?"

"Crazy Doug's Bargain Retrofits. What else?"

Red Pressure

There's a certain quality of light which comes off of Saturn's atmosphere, and when you ride close to the rings, the light scatters off the dirty crystals in a dark red glow.

"It feels like sullen anger," I said.

"Yeah. That's good," Counter-Spin Rick said. "I'm going to use that. 'Sullen anger' is good."

I drifted, staring stupidly into the shifting red reflections. "I'm not happy with this place."

"So what?" Rick asked. "You weren't happy before we came here. What's the difference?"

"I wasn't pissed off," I said, spinning on my suit jets to face him. "I don't know why I agree to go on your enigmatic quests. At least Eddie keeps his crazy stunts closer to home."

"Because Eddie is busy," Rick said. I could tell he was trying not to laugh at me. "That's your fault... I've heard say."

"Why are we here, Rick?"

"One of those things... existential like."

"All right," I said. "Why are you trying piss me off?"

"It's better than depression," Rick said.

"What do you know? I like being depressed," I said. "No one wants to 'share' it with me. I can keep it all to myself."

"You're right about no one wanting to share your depression," Rick said. "But we don't have a choice."

"Huh?"

"If you want to talk social dynamics, Doc's the gal. You want to talk depression, I got years in the darkness. One day I got angry over a lousy protein sandwich, stuff had to be three weeks old, and I yelled at the guy who sold it to me. I instantly felt so good that I told him to keep his money and stomped away."

"Yeah?" I asked. "So you come out here to soak up some anger? Recharge the jets?"

"You catch on fast," Rick said. I could almost hear him laughing. "The part you haven't seen yet, Dizzy, is how much more pleasant you are to have around without the cloud of darkness."

"Humph."

"Who knows? Someone might even say something nice about you for a change. Maybe."

"Suck vacuum," I said. "Can we go back to the ship now? Paula is better at cheering me up. Especially since you will be leaving, and we will be starting our vacation."

"Yeah," Rick said. He was definitely laughing. "That's why Paula asked me to crank you up. Something about the third day and the most incredible..."

"Are you through?" I asked. "Can we go back now?"

"Why?" Rick asked unhelpfully.

"Never mind. It's my ship. I know the beacon code."

Skipping the Rings

I've been to Relativity Three. It was a moment which lasted days for most people. I watched the eye of Saturn pass beneath me, and I felt the universe speeding away in all directions. The feeling fit my mood perfectly, but the thing about time dilation is you don't actually get over it unless you do the time. Paula found me drifting and jolted my suit back to Relativity Zero.

"What?" I asked.

"What?" Paula shouted. "What? I don't know how long you think you've been out here sulking, but it will be three days before we get back. 'What's your problem?' is what. And this is not a solution--it's inconsiderate."

"Um? It was only a few minutes," I said. "I swear. I wasn't paying attention. It just felt good that everything was speeding away. And I wasn't sulking."

"What do you call it?"

"Quiet time," I muttered. "When I can think."

"Oh? You think better when the universe is rushing past? That it?"

I was fairly certain her tone suggested sarcasm. "I'll go back to pacing. Unless Joe is looking for me."

"Good," Paula said. "So you're hiding from Joe?"

"No. I just needed to get away. Every time I do something wrong, it was something I thought was right. I guess it's that way for most people, but it's so frustrating. I came out here to scream, but it was like I fell into this bottomless hole, and I wanted to fall forever."

"That doesn't sound good, Dee. I think we need to skip the rings for awhile. I've got beacon 7A33D. You got that one?"

"Yes," I said, calling up the marker in my suit display.

"Let's make it turn around point, and we skip off as many snowballs as we can getting there and back," Paula said. "Then we'll go home and relieve our frustrations."

"Sure," I said to her back. "Hey!"

Plazma Flush

"I used to like my job," Eddie said. "Now I know how much people suck."

"Me too," I said. "But Nana taught me about people a long time ago."

"That doesn't help," Eddied said. "Aren't you going to ask me how I know people suck?"

"You got that damn mind reading trick from Submind...."

"It's not mind reading."

"And you have files on everyone within a week's distance of Fort Falling. I'm more surprised it took you this long to figure it out," I said. "What do you want? If you're looking for someone to pummel in spinball, forget it. I have work to get done before I close office, and Paula is singing tonight--in three hours."

"I don't know," Eddie said. "I need to flush my cores. How do you stay so damn motivated when you hate people so much?"

"First of all," I said. "I don't hate anyone. I'd just rather they left me alone. Second, I don't judge anyone or their motives, but I see no harm in figuring things out. My main motivation in life has always been space sickness--avoiding it."

"That one doesn't work for me."

I shrugged. "Go on a date or something. Ask Wendy. She's been working out. Or maybe Rhonda, if you like surprises."

"Wendy? Are you crazy? She's still venting plazma from when I changed the station's message headers. That was two years ago."

"She might be mad at you Eddie, but she blames me. The only way that makes sense is if she likes you a whole lot more than she likes me."

"She'll laugh in my face," Eddie said.

"You don't know as much as you think, Eddie. Take her some flowers--talk to Paula about those purple roses. If you need to bring her around, tell her Dee said it would never work out between you two. I'll spot you ten points if I'm wrong."

"All right. But I need to unwind some more before attempting such a mission."

"Go vent into a personal log or something," I said. "Now get lost. If I'm late to her gig, Paula won't give me the special treatment tonight."

"Yeah. Good idea," Eddie said, turning around to leave.

"I'll save a chair for Wendy," I said.

No One Listens

I heard a startled and oddly terrifying scream, so naturally I left the relative safety of my office to investigate.

Rhonda was standing over one of the more offensive ice busters. I don't know his name because I'm a horrible-thoughtless-person. He was lying on the ground and holding his personals.

"I told you, Vac-Head. I said you were standing too close. Now you know. If you are standing close enough for me to knee you in the groin, you are too close." Then she kicked him again.

"Um? Rhonda?" I asked, not standing too close.

"What?"

"After you kick a guy once, you don't really have to do it again."

"Why not?"

"He probably won't notice," I said diplomatically.

"Yeah," Rhonda said, turning away from him. "I'll kick him harder next time."

"Or call security," I said. "We got a whole department..."

"Up yours, Dee," Rhonda said. "I've been dealing with jerks like that my entire life. The only thing they understand is pain. The kind of pain that bypasses the brain and goes straight for the libido."

"Um..."

"No one listens," Rhonda said. "I tell Rita the material is contaminated, but she ignores the entire report until it's about to go wrong. Then she wants to know why I didn't tell her. This all happened a couple of weeks after Rita's two days of annoying demands for the report she didn't read. Then this guy wants to smell my hair... the freak. Acted like it never even occurred to him I wouldn't approve."

"Um..."

"What?"

"Maybe you could play spinball with Simon, or talk to Doc about some time off to do some ice hopping, or something," I said.

"Sell it to someone else, Space Monkey. I would have kicked that guy anyway. Weren't you listening?"

"Yes," I said firmly.

"Could have fooled me," Rhonda said. "Has that shipment of hydro-silicates arrived? I've got three experiments holding at critical stages. Much longer and I'm going to lose weeks of work."

"Um..."

"That will make me very cranky," Rhonda said.

I held up my magic summoning wand and spoke softly into it. "Help."

Sandra Quinn must have been really close. "Yes sir?"

"Please assist Rhonda in her search for a late shipment of..." I turned to look at Rhonda.

"Hydro-silicates."

"Those," I said.

"I was just going over the latest manifests," Sandra said, grinning. "Sam has been nagging me about a shipment of honey from Earth.

"Come on," Sandra said to Rhonda. "Let's go find your rocks."

"Hydro-silicates," Rhonda said mildly, following along.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The Selmon sisters scare me.

Social Warfare

As always, the 'Dizzy Pig Bar and Grill' is the perfect place to get stinking drunk with friends and co-workers and discuss philosophical matters.

"Why we gotta have taxes anyway?" Tera said, slurring slightly and waving a Pineapple Slush Bomb. "I only just got my citizen papers, and Kelly has already asked me to take on the Revenue department. Tricked more like.... Devious old woman."

"She's good," I said in agreement. "Don't ever play cards with her."

"We gotta have a social contract," Doug said. "We pay for air and stuff, part of the social contract. Can't have a healthy society without taxes."

"You hear that everyone?" Tera asked. "My brother the capitalist is defending government and taxes. Let's call dad and give him the good news."

"It makes sense to me," Wendy said. "Nothing political about what I heard."

"That's 'cause you only heard what he said," Tera muttered. "I've known him for 30 years."

"I don't think we have a choice," Sarah said. "Our population has increased by a factor of ten since Ben and I arrived. We need to pay the bills somehow."

"That's a fact," Wendy said. "You can't take parts of society and ignore the rest. It comes as a whole. Fort Falling, Frost River, Titan Station, even Crystal Falls; all of these are outgrowths of society. The vac-suits you wear, the food you eat, the tools..."

"All right! I get it," Tera said. "I just don't know why I always have to be treasurer. It's not fair."

"You're good at it," Rick said, squeezing her hand.

"You wanna hear my version of a fair society?" Doug asked. "Every year I pay more taxes that pays for more education than people who actually spawned the children I'm paying to educate. It really bugs me. I get a headache every year, and every year I take a pill and accept it. I accept it because when I'm old and they won't let me fly any more, I want the guy piloting the bus to have a clear understanding of road signs. That's as fair as it gets."

"Yeah," Kevin said. "That's it. That's why we build things for the ugrun... ungrateful vac-spawn." His mouth closed and opened a couple of times, then he nodded and took a drink.

Frost River Radio

"Diz?" Eddie asked, sticking his head in my office.

"Yeah?"

"We've got another voice broadcast from those crazy scientists over at Frost River," Eddie said.

"So?" Frost River is a retreat for emotionally challenged and reclusive deep thinkers. There are normal people too, but those are mostly family. Someone has to make sure the normal business of living gets done.

"Come on! My shop." His head disappeared.

"I have work to do," I said, standing up.

"This is good," he said from somewhere towards the tangent lift. "Trust me."

"Trust me," I muttered. "First game of spinball we ever played... Couldn't stand straight for a week after.

"Can you at least give me a hint?" I asked, catching up to him at the lift.

"Trust me!" Eddie said, wearing the EMF Eddie face.

"Why your shop?" Following him into the lift.

"Tesla found a relay beacon. Joe says it's a sophisticated storage device, and it appears to be getting regular updates. We think they are using the broadcasts to supplement their data backups."

"Scientists are like that," I said. "Why are we poking at their stuff?"

"It's shinny," Eddie said, smirking. "And because the beacon contains Submind host materials, probably vat grown."

"Oh," I said. "Just the host?"

Eddie nodded. "That's all I'm saying until you've heard the last message they sent."

It was an inebriated red-neck bubba with a silicon fixation. Bubba has a theory that the tiny Submind pod clusters he's found floating within Saturn's rings are a kind of proto-life which evolved among the ice particles. Not a bad theory I guess, except most people at Frost River have heard of Submind by now.

"Is he serious?"

"He made these beacons," Eddie said. "And he has found the Clee. What's left of them anyway."

"Right. The silicon guys," I said. "Before us."

"The silicon guys," Eddie said, tapping the beacon.

"Oh. I get it. He grew it out of silicon."

"Parts of it," Eddie said. "Kelly wants us to go have a talk with him, maybe offer him a symbiont. Clue him in. He might be useful."

"Can I invite Four Thumbs?" I asked, grinning. Four Thumbs lives to clue in us humans.

"Why not? I'm bringing Simon," Eddie said. "Simon was headed for Frost River when he hit my security wall and decided this wasn't such a bad place. The kid almost made it, and he deserves to meet the space brains, being as he's one of them."

Crystal Falls

Four of us went on Tera's first vac-suit flight; Counter-spin Rick, Tera, Paula and I. I haven't figured Tera yet. She's money crazy, but I'm not sure it's about the money. Rick likes crazy, and he likes adrenaline. They'll probably own half of Saturn system some day.

Back when we were setting fire to our space station for a bit of thrust, we blew half of it off and let it spiral into the rings. Rick staked a salvage claim before our thrusters stopped burning.

The four of us drifted in space and stared at the wreckage.

"I don't see any damage," Tera said, excited.

"No," I said. "I wouldn't call it damage. I'd call it a complete retrofit, except no one has ever made a space station which looks like that."

"What do you mean?" Tera said. "Rick, what does he mean?"

"It looks like Submind has already moved in," Rick said calmly. "I was expecting something, but that..."

"So it grew from a plant or something," Tera said. "So what?"

"A lot more than I expected is all," Rick said. "And we don't own the station dear, we only have salvage rights."

"Oh,"Tera said, looking at the station again. "I don't see any damage at all. How is it holding together with all the tidal stress from these damn snowballs?"

"Submind has the ability to effect changes in micro-gravity," Paula said.

"So there's nothing to salvage?" Tera asked.

"Probably not," Rick said. I think he was trying not to laugh. I know he planted those bug-pod-seeds all over before we blew the flash cut. He's a freaking terrorist with those things.

With a quick burst of her thrusters, Tera drifted toward the station. "It's pretty here. Can we at least give it a name?"

"Right of salvage," Rick said.

"How about 'Crystal Falls'?" Tera asked.

"Not Diamond Falls?" I asked.

"Don't be stupid," Tera said. "Those lighting effects don't look anything like diamonds."

"Of course not," Paula said. "'Crystal Falls' is perfect."

"I've never seen ring particles do that to light before," I said. "I think Submind is using them to focus more light on the station... or whatever it is."

"I'll be spaced," Rick said softly.

"And I think Bane is over there," I said.

"You are not going down there to hunt for a stupid cat," Paula said. "We have to get Tera back for an after flight examination and some alcoholic beverages."

"Yes, ma'am. "

"Yes," Tera said, hitting her thrust. "Can we skip straight to the drinking? And what's this about a cat?"

Dear Dad

Sorry I didn't get in touch sooner. We were riding our vac-suits over to Kelly One--that's the lash-up project I told you about--when Paula told me you and Mom were prepping old Lumpy Nickel for an overdue furlough. How long did she hold your head under before you agreed to leave the head office for a year?

I would have called, but Paula didn't tell me until after you had left Ceres Station. She didn't forget, but we're both busy, at entirely different tasks in entirely different locations. To be honest, I think it's for the best if we leave it that way. I don't think Paula and I will ever be able to work together in peace. Don't get me wrong. I expect Paula to see through whatever delusional filter she put in front of me any day now, and it scares the hell out of me.

Anyway, we are holding a slip for the old ship (I've attached orbital coordinates and comm frequencies) and Paula is running medical profiles on you and Mom for Doc Hester. I know you're coming out here to see me, but you aren't leaving without a symbiont, a Submind vac-suit, and a totally new, living and breathing, Lumpy Nickel. And a spiky kitten or two.